The entangled life

Date: 27-10-2013

Today I buried a life, A Beautiful life indeed.  How the life started is unknown but how the beautiful life lived tragically for while with me and ended is what I know, thus responsible for.

Yesterday, my life started with hangover of alcohol which I and my friends consumed happily together that earlier night. Nausea, weakness and headache were common pain among us who drank. Even then, I was enthusiastic enough for organizing a trip to nearby Buddhist monastery as the day was auspicious for Buddhist believers, it was descending day of Lord Buddha.

Only three out of ten friends turned up for the trip. Two of the friends argued saying they shall pray in room and be good at heart so no need to go anywhere. In contrary, we four went with our individual beliefs united to go and feel Buddha in monastery. We caught a bus from the gate of institute where we study. In the bus we met with an old Tibetan lady who is headed to the same monastery as us. We talked with her and went along for next vehicle to catch, on the way she bought fruits and also gave us some, kindly. We rode on local cab together. we reached the monastery, where one of my friend was quickly walking behind the main building of the monastery and even the old lady was walking as if she is been chased. Both of them where quick and ahead of us. Later we realized our friend was in search of toilet but we never knew why the old lady was walking quickly without even saying good bye to us.

We entered in the majestic hall of Buddhas, Shakyamuni Buddha was residing tall in the middle on the opposite wall of entrance. We prostrated together towards all statues of Buddha and seats of living Buddha. The hall was having only four of us. I tried to connect and feel the vibe of peace in that silent hall, but nausea of hangover was overwhelming. We spent probably ten minutes in the chapel of Buddha. We came outside and sat on the bench discussing the nausea and starvation, it was noon. We pose for some snapshots for a while in that lovely, calm, environment of monastery.  The moment we came of the gate we saw Buddhist scripture pages thrown cruelly beside the road. Two of the friends picked the pages and kept somewhere clean. I just watched them picking, as well as a little boy peeing unhygienic ally beside the road. The little boy was with his mother looking pathetic out of poverty perhaps.

We caught a cab and stopped in front of the big fantastic looking building. We entered into the big shopping mall. I could see fascination in the eyes of other three just like me when I visited for the first time last weekend. “Wow” was on lips of all of us. We went inside one shop and looked around. I saw the same pant that I liked last time. My sense of desire to have that pant got stronger with Rs.1000 bucks in the purse. After several trial of pant size, I decided to buy, the cost was Rs.1299 but then, I was assured by one of my friends’ visa card. I borrowed his card and swapped it, assuring to return. I kept my Rs.1000 as it is in the purse. Now the desire shifted towards food. It was desire to eat which was cause of suffering commonly for us. We decided to come back after eating, for proper scanning through the shop.

The restaurant was lively and got even better with touch of Tibetan vibe inside. One of the friend is very fond of meat especially pork so he ordered plate of pork, one ordered chicken fried rice, one ordered mix meat noodle and I ordered vegetable noodle and dumplings. We ate lavishly. Bill testified our lavishness as it came thousand rupee. For the convenience I paid with my thousand rupee note. On walking off the table I got the glimpse of my friend with pork fondness, leaving tip for the waiter on the table.

As we discussed, we returned to the mall. We did window shopping for almost an hour. We were mostly amazed more by the price then the things for sale. Our long term desire bloomed we look around, “I will buy when I start earning”. Four of us rode cab until the next stop. From the local cab stand we were to walk till the next cab stand to reach us back to institute. On the way walking between the cab stands, we encountered with beggars with age varying from young as five till old. I don’t have a penny to give although I felt guilty every time i ignore there beg of penny from me. The pork fond friend has a theory not to give to those who have good health, as they can earn. One of the friends couldn't resist and gave away until his coins are exhausted.

Suddenly, our eye was caught by beautiful creatures that are caged. It was three storied cage. Top was with mouse, second was with cute white and grey rabbits and the last with parrots. The birds seemed very happy playing with each other. They were beauties with different colors: some with whitish feather, one with sky blue feather, and some with mix color feather. The seller of the beautiful creatures was sitting dirtily on the ground besides the road. He was middle aged man with shrewd eye. We asked for the cost of the creatures and he replied with the maximum up to Rs.1500 for the mouse for a pair. Lowest were the birds with Rs.500 for pair. I was attracted by the beauty of birds. Instantly I decided to buy although with empty purse thinking that if I can spend Rs.1299 on pants, Rs.1000 on lavish food then why not for freedom and goodness of a life in just Rs.200. One of the friends volunteered to give me the money of his share I paid for lunch. I lowered the price for one bird rather with pair for Rs.200. I choose one shiny little sky blue chest parrot. My friends were suggesting me to buy rabbit, but then I replied with logic answers that I will not be able to sustain for long time, it will be troublesome. In case of bird I said I will release after two to three days. I honestly thought to release after looking into feasibility of environment for the parrot. My room mate commented saying that I am doing good deed in the auspicious day. I thought to myself that I am just doing right thing which is to execute our kindness into action; Which I did, and was proud of myself internally. I thought, today I became poor by purse but rich by heart. My heart was filled with good feelings. I named my parrot as Tsagay (pampered name).

Immediately after reaching back to my room, I was excited to feed him. I went to kitchen and asked the cook to give me some rice. I tried to make my beautiful parrot as comfortable as possible though in cage. I provided with water and rice happily. I observed my bird. I saw his rage to break the cage with its beak: he was biting the metal cage. My smile vanished slowly, when I observed his attempts to break the cage. He was even facing away in the opposite direction of me. I started feeling sad and guilty of keeping him caged. I started asking around to my friends that weather I should release him in wild or not. Most of them said, he will not survive in wild as he was always been fed in cage, better to keep it with me they said. I became confused. didn't know what to do next. I peeped thought the window toward the balcony where I hanged the cage. I returned to my normal doing with laptop but still with the bitter confusion. After a while, I kept myself distracted by playing table tennis. Suddenly I realized having a parrot after an hour of distraction in play, and immediately came to room to check it out. There I saw him lying inside the cage facing downwards. I never saw birds sleeping, so I instantly tried to relive myself by thinking he might be sleeping. I tried to wake him up; I touched him through the bars. There was no movement. A gush of strong feeling came onto my heart immediately. My heart was heavy, and couldn't feel what I was feeling. My heart was just heavy. After a moment I realized his death. I started feeling guilty, I started feeling bad, I started thinking myself as murderer and my thoughts was in whirlpool of guilt. I reason out that, it may be because of cold and the food I have provided him or it might be loneliness that he died out of panic.

After a while, my friends came and consoled me by saying I did nothing wrong. It’s certain to happen and there is nothing I can do. They said I did the best I could.

The demise of my dear Tsagay, raised several question within me, if people like me goes on being attracted and buy life, then there will always be people who will sell. Even it begs question of eating meat worth a life of other being.

But I started questioning my kindness to buy in the first place. If I have not bought he might have survived longer than four hours at least with his folk of birds in the cage. If I have not kept it outside in the cold he might have lived, if I have released it, he might be wandering happily in the wild; if i have cared little extra then he might…if…

My life for the day started with the feeling that it’s an important day to do well and be kind. Mean while it got entangled in mist of the hangover, the mall, the food, the money and the life of a parrot. 

But I am unable to contemplate the death of a beautiful life, is it my kindness or my desires?